Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Resolution Update: Two And A Half Months In
You may remember that for my new year's resolution I told the world I was going to pray more. Well, I think I can safely say this is the first resolution I have ever stuck to for this long.
I am praying a lot, about a lot.
It's turning out to be a good thing.
I'm not necessarily seeing a whole lot of obvious improvement in my personal life, but I am seeing that there are areas in my heart that have been successfully primed, so to speak, for change. I'm really happy to be noticing it, because I am ready for some heart change.
I'm ready because things for me have been rough over the last few months. Something about moving to Arizona has really hit a lot of core issues that I've been struggling through. I hit a breaking point at the end of last year where I was done being discouraged. I realized that all the stuff I was trying to do by myself just wasn't working. So when I decided to start praying more consistently, it was because praying was the only thing I figured had a chance at getting me to a better place. I was sucking at it, and so it was apparently God's turn to give it a whirl. [If I had actually been doing this right, I think I wouldn't have waited so long before finally letting God do his magic].
Enough with the vague-ness, though. I've been praying a lot for my heart to change, specifically in these areas:
Our finances: I hate our financial situation right now. I hate being on a student budget; I hate being poor. I am so scared of running out of our savings too quickly, so I start to panic and go into "don't spend money on anything except for groceries." All that happens is that I overspend on groceries.
I finally started really crying out to God about my feelings towards money over the last couple weeks. While not much has changed in one sense, in another sense I have gotten a pretty clear answer: to be patient. Panicking about money is not going to change a thing. Desperately seeking out pitiful ways to either spend less or start making more is not going to change a thing. At this point, I am trying to firmly hold fast to the truth that God cares about our finances, desires for our family to be provided for, and has the means to do it, if He so chooses.
The second area is in Babies: This may seem like a precursor to the "little pink plus sign" post. It's not. Rather, this is a potential precursor to me maybe, possibly, finally, sharing publicly my struggle with having had a c-section. Long story short, it's been really, really hard. I am scared of having to have another c-section. I am frustrated because, after doing hours and hours of research and talking with my doctor about it, I have found that there is nothing I can do to increase my chances of having a successful VBAC if/when I get pregnant again.
This is an area of my life I have no choice to but trust that God is going to do more than just allow things to happen - I have to believe that he desires to intimately orchestrate my future in child-bearing. I have to believe that He desires to give me good things, and I have to trust that whatever outcome may happen is what God knows is a good thing for me.
Whew, that was hard to write out.
The hubs and I have also decided to pray, together, regularly, for God to let us know when would be a good time to start having more kiddos. There is never a perfect time for a child, but our circumstances right now are less than ideal for expanding our family. But we also have little desire to wait for another 5 years. So instead of researching and panicking and talking and talking and arguing and talking some more, we have decided to just give this decision up to God. At this point, the answer, again, is to be patient.
So that's where things stand in this whole praying about everything. God wants me to be patient. And you know what? I'm actually quite peaceful with his answer. It takes the pressure off of me to decide and hope I'm doing the right thing, and puts me in a place of trust in his perfect love for me and desires to give me good things.
If you've made all the way through this post, thanks for sticking with me. I appreciate you taking the time to read through some more personal things about me. I hope that in some way, this encourages you in any struggles you're facing - you're not alone, even if you aren't struggling with the same things I'm struggling with.
How's your new year's resolution going so far?