Saturday, March 26, 2016

She's Here!

In case you haven't heard the news (which I think everyone has, cause I'm quite late getting this posted), but our little girl arrived!

7 lbs 13 oz - 20 in

Meet Imogene Sasha, born Sunday, March 13th at 7:30 pm. She came fast and furious, and we are so thankful she did!

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The whole week before was a bit of a mess of emotions. On one hand, I was beyond excited that this was it! She's going to be here any time now! But also a lot of confusion and frustration that my body was slowly dilating, but not actually going into labor. I have dreamed of getting to experience the process of going into labor on my own, especially so after going through with an induction with Dellie, but knew each day that I was running out of time. Especially scary was the thought that I may never get the chance again if my attempt at a VBAC failed and I needed another c-section. I felt a little bit like a ticking bomb which may or may not actually go off.

Looking back now, it's amazing how God wanted to walk me all the way to end of my own rope and then let me fall for a bit before catching me. It's like He knew I needed to let go (once again) of all my hopes and expectations and dreams for this child and when and how she would be born before He would step in and do His thing.

And once I got to that place, boy did He.

The funny thing is, I have friends who were walking through almost the same situation as us at the same time - waiting for God to pull through and let them have a VBAC. And God did, literally 2 hours before they were scheduled for their c-section. It was incredible! Amazing! God is so wonderful in His timing!

And there was no way He would do the exact same thing for me. My heart thought I knew Him well enough to know He wouldn't perform the same miracle for me, for this baby, for my family.

So I tried and tried for days to make things happen on my own - and the funny thing was, each attempt at starting labor almost had the opposite effect of slowing down or stopping contractions.

Until I came to the end of my rope. And gave up, and let go, waiting to hit bottom. I believed that I was a bomb that would never go off, not without help. I would always need the medical community in order to get my babies out of my body, I was going to have to start labor Sunday night by having my water broken, and hopefully heaven would be kind and it would work. But even then, I believed ultimately that I was eventually going to be staring another c-section in the face.

But God, oh that son of a gun! - He performed the exact same miracle for me. 5 hours before I was scheduled to come in to the hospital for that last ditch induction, the contractions finally stuck (although they weren't painful). 3 hours before I was scheduled to come in, I found myself crying from both the pain of each contraction and the overwhelming fear this wasn't actually labor (which it was). and 30 minutes before I was scheduled to come in, our little girl was born. An incredibly fast, mostly uneventful, very successful VBAC. Everything I had dreamed of experiencing happened. Not a detail was missing.

In so many ways, I'm still in shock.

God used the birth of my first to break down so many lies and ugly areas of my life and to begin a journey of getting to know who He is in the midst of broken dreams and suffering; He used the birth of my second to remind me that He still is the Miracle Maker, the one who binds up my broken heart, who cares about my dreams and wants to give me, His child good things.

I feel like in so many ways this journey is complete. I know there are a lot of loose ends to tie up, but after four long years of battling through how God fits in a broken world, He has finally taken me to end. I am done struggling with my c-section. My scar seems to have faded even more over these last two weeks. I am done facing down secondary infertility (although I may see it come again). Who know's what will come next, but this day, I build my altar.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." 
Lamentations 3:22

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